Adi writes after 11 years

Mommy

11 years. Can’t really believe it; some days it feels like you were with us yesterday, but by now most days seem like we haven’t seen you a lot longer.

I miss you. Miss what you could have been for me once I grew up. Miss how we used to talk. Miss that I don’t remember most of the things you said to me. I miss your voice, & it hurts that I need to play certain conversations or (god help me J) songs you sang for us to remember your voice & intonations.

So many things have happened these past 11 years & I wish I knew that you could see it all, but even though I believe that you are out there- I don’t think it’s in the conscious Mommy way you were.

I’m not who I used to be. I’ve gone through so many changes- not only developments that usually come with age, but also changes that made me morph into a new person. I wish you could see me now, if I didn’t look the same you probably wouldn’t be able to recognize me. I’m happy with who I’m becoming, I like myself on this new road, but it scares me that you aren’t here to see the new me, it scares me that I’m not the person I was when I had a Mommy.

I keep telling people that I’m happy that I at least had 17 years of an amazing mother- much more than a lot of others. This is true, and every day I see how true it is (unfortunately), but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the need for you every day. You really are the best mother I could have hoped for & that’s part of what made me, well, Adi.

I am glad for the 17 years you gave me, & I just wish I knew you were peeking in once in a while, just to see who we are & what we’re up to.

I miss you, 11 years over, & by now I know it won’t get any easier.

I just miss you.